I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
