You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
