not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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