Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Randomize
