I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
