the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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