my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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