They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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