Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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