My first STD was from a foam party
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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