dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
