I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
