I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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