I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I wish there were birth control emojis
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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