I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
