Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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