Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
