My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
