just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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