Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
