He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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