sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
