This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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