You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
