I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
