you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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