Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
