I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
