I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
