someone owes me an orgasm
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
