Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
