Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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