I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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