Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
