I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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