just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
