Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
