I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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