someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
