I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
