I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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