Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
