a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
