remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
