my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
