You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
