you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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