Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
