So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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