tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
