I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
