So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
