Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
