it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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