I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
