Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
