There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
