Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have feelings that need drinking.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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