why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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