I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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