so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
