I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
420 ftw
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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