Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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