He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think your dad took our porno
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
